Sol (00:01)
Welcome back to Co-Parenting Beyond Conflict. I'm your host, Sol. you're staring down rising legal bills, nonstop accusations, or a co-parent who thrives in chaos, this episode is for you. My guest is Bridget Bennett, a high-conflict strategist who's been through the system herself and now coaches parents with clarity, not drama. I first discovered Bridget's work through her Instagram posts, breaking down family court realities in simple, empowering ways

and I knew she'd be a powerful voice to bring to the podcast. In this episode, we cover smarter evidence, self-representation, and the one shift that breaks toxic cycles fast. You'll walk away from today's conversation with tools to feel more confident and in control, even in the most high conflict situations. Let's dive in.

Sol (00:42)
Hi, Bridget. Welcome to the show. Thanks for being on. How are we finding you today?

Bridget Bennett (00:44)
Thank you for having me.

You know, a wonderful day lots of high-conflict people that seem to fully entertain me.

Sol (00:54)
You have chosen this as your profession to support people that are dealing with high conflict individuals. is a calling.

Bridget Bennett (01:00)
have.

It is a calling and I suppose it's something that I didn't know that I was born to do or I would be walking into, but here I am.

Sol (01:08)
Just jumping right in here, I know you talk a lot about family court and the realities that family court bring that many of us as co-parents, we don't know until we're in it. What is something that attorneys don't tell their clients that they really should know going into this?

Bridget Bennett (01:23)
There's a lot of tactics that I see that family law attorneys use. Now I'm not saying that all of these attorneys are shady, but they don't tell their clients about a lot of discovery processes. This is a step that is often missed in high conflict custody and divorce. Discovery is anything from interrogatories, requests for production of documents, disclosures, requests for admissions.

I've seen more of a trend with some attorneys wanting to jump right into a deposition and bypass this whole discovery, which is a written set of questions. It's not as much in terms of billable hours. Depositions are extremely expensive. It's a lot of billable work for an attorney to bill their client and also to get a court reporter, transcripts, all of that. So I think that a lot of people

aren't really familiar with the litigation process and they don't know what is entailed and the information that they can gather prior to going to trial.

Sol (02:20)
I hear that. Attorneys, in many ways, they're billing for their time. So their job is not necessarily to reduce those billable hours.

Bridget Bennett (02:26)
If your attorney deescalates the conflict, they really don't have an incentive to do so because they're then taking you off of their payroll, right? You're no longer paying for their time. They don't have an incentive to deescalate or decrease the conflict. I see cases drag on

and you don't have final orders or a hearing, a trial is pushed out six months to a year and you have to continue to pay your attorney. And a lot of people email their attorney, right? "I need to email them this update. I need to send them this. I need to ask a question about communication." And while they might help you, they're not going to be very speedy at doing so, but they're going to bill you for that time. And they're keeping track of it in 15 minute increments usually.

Sol (03:10)
For a parent who is in this and maybe they have limited resources or they're just seeing the bills rise and would prefer to put those resources elsewhere, do you ever advocate for self-representation?

Bridget Bennett (03:21)
A lot. I represented myself in family court and I was successful in doing so. After many years of battling, I've had a protective order in place that I renew every two years. I've had it for over six years now. I have sole custody of my children are still minors. That was no easy battle. And it took me a lot of work,

never giving up and learning.

Sol (03:43)
Mm-hmm. Yeah through that experience I'm sure you learned a lot about the family court system and how to represent yourself. What what are some key tips that a co-parent representing themselves could take into family court so that they get a result like yours?

Bridget Bennett (03:59)
First of all, we have to look at our case at more of a micro level and understanding what are the elements that build our case. And it's like anything in life, right? Where usually we have to build things up. We have to build up our knowledge base and judges are not familiar with your case as much as you think that they are. Let's say the first time you go before a judge, they don't know anything. The more

simple that we can make things for them to digest and take in the information, the better. I learned the hard way by presenting a lot of evidence at first, a lot of communication that was all over the place. And it makes it seem to family court judges that both parents are high conflict when in fact the data supports this, that there is one person that is driving the conflict and the other one is trying to co-parent,

and it seems nearly impossible.

Sol (04:52)
And you're saying that by, I don't think you used this word, but over documentation, that that can actually challenge with your case.

Bridget Bennett (05:00)
Yes, it can. I think it's more of what are the key elements that I'm seeing in this pattern of behavior of a high conflict co-parent that is continuous? What is a pattern that I'm noticing for over six months, 12 months, and so on and so forth, and then narrowing it down. When we look at it big picture, we want to see what is happening overall and how this is impacting child,

versus looking at one incident. There might've been an interaction. Maybe the high-conflict coparent was intimidating, was in your face. But if you're only focusing your case on that one particular instance, you're not going to get very far.

Sol (05:39)
What about situations where you're facing a lot of accusations from the other side? Is it important to go line by line and refute all of those things with evidence?

Bridget Bennett (05:50)
It's actually not advisable to go ahead and shoot a message back, this is not true, I didn't do this, and going line by line. It's actually feeding into the conflict. I like to implement the BIFF method, which is brief, informative, friendly, and firm. I think that those things that we're being accused of largely, we have to recognize they're projections from the high conflict co-parent, but also

what is happening is, they're wanting to bait you. They're wanting to trigger you so that you look like you're also part of the problem. Document it privately. Let's say there's an accusation that the child was unsafe while they were with their babysitter. You know that that's not true. You're going to write it down how the child was cared for on this day with the sitter, in the event that it comes up again.

Sometimes we don't even need to respond to these false allegations at all if there's nothing in the message that is asking us a question about the child.

Sol (06:43)
With family court, I would imagine that one of our worst fears as parents is losing custody. When does that happen? Under what conditions does a parent potentially lose custody?

Bridget Bennett (06:54)
I've seen sadly a lot of cases of protective parents losing custody when they have spoken up about the child has made a disclosure about sexual abuse a parent. I have seen more and more children taken from their healthy parent and DARVO is then put into place, which is deny, attack, reverse victim offender. And the perpetrator then spins this narrative of how

the protective healthy parent is trying to retaliate. Another instance where I see children removed from the healthy parent or the protective parent is in cases where there's this helicopter parent scenario, how you're presenting your documentation, your evidence in family court, if you are focused on their new partner...

You can look like you are obsessed that you're, the bitter ex baby daddy, baby mama, whatever. And that's not true. But I think more so I I've handled a lot of sexual abuse cases. That is something that I see more and more times happening all over our country.

Sol (07:58)
Mm-hmm. Because the accusation, becomes a way for them to claim alienation.

Bridget Bennett (08:05)
CPS really do its job the way that people a volunteer guardian ad litem in dependency court in Raleigh, North Carolina. These are children that have been removed from the home in the worst of situations. There's like, drug addiction for both parents, something pretty severe. I

will say that when CPS starts to investigate these disclosures, it often comes back unsubstantiated or unfounded. And then that hurts the protective parent.

Sol (08:33)
Now, in terms of documentation, obviously, we keep all of our communication with our co-parent in writing. What are some other good types of documentation I should be keeping as a co-parent to ensure that I am prepared for a custody case if one were to come?

Bridget Bennett (08:48)
Yeah, obviously our co-parenting communication is essential. It is very, very important. And learning how to master co-parent communication so that you're deescalating the conflict. I am a firm believer in having all of your co-parenting communication submitted to family court as evidence.

I also learned how to improve my communication too over time. I had a co-parenting coach who assisted me, who gave me lot of skills, and then I went through trainings so that I could figure it out. If it wasn't for my co-parenting coach, I don't know where I would be right now or where my children would be.

Sol (09:22)
As co-parents in high conflict situations, we end up becoming experts in our field with communication and non-conflict, BIFF and that sort of thing. Yeah. ⁓

Bridget Bennett (09:30)
Yeah. We really do. Yeah. Yeah.

It's funny. It's like, don't defend, don't sit there and try to justify. You don't have to prove that you're a good parent. You are. It's a lot of reframing that we have to do up in here over the long-term conditioning and the abuse that we experienced in the relationship before we left. So it's a lot of figuring out I am good enough. I am an amazing parent. I am wonderful.

I don't have to prove it to the high-conflict co-parent.

Sol (09:58)
That's such a great point, Bridget. And I really like that you say A lot of the co-parenting journey, especially if we're coming from a situation like many of us were, you have to develop your own self-confidence back. And in a way, they tend to know exactly where the

bad self-dialogue lies. All the little cracks in you where they can pick. And if we use that instead as, they're my teacher, they're pointing out where I need to work on myself and see why I'm feeling this way about myself and my parenting abilities, then we can grow and at the same time be a better co-parent and a better parent.

Bridget Bennett (10:37)
Yes, absolutely. If we go back and we think to the very beginning of that relationship with the high conflict individual, we were very vulnerable. We opened up to them and we thought they were being vulnerable right back and gave us so much information. The things that we disclosed to them, they have later continued to use to try to disarm us, to try to harm us. And when you recognize that and understand that

they were really good at mirroring certain behaviors that they liked of you, I think things start to click a lot faster. Sometimes this process can take a lot longer one than another. I remember when I had first separated and I was going through my divorce, I gave dad the benefit of the doubt all the time. And I knew this guy's abusive. There's something wrong.

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again until something just clicked in my brain. I'm like, this is not normal. This is not okay. But I think we all have to reach that point. And it might be a breaking point, rock bottom, whatever you want to call it. And then we really want to turn things around. And that's what happened to me.

Sol (11:42)
As a co-parent myself, I know how difficult communication can be. That's why I created Best Interest, the co-parenting app that uses advanced AI technology to automatically filter out all negativity, promoting positive communication and helping you create a healthier environment for your family. Try it now and get 10 % off with code Beyond10. Link in the show notes.

Sol AI (12:05)
And now, back to the show.

Sol (12:06)
I know you're a big advocate for, in these situations, not giving your co-parent the emotional reaction when they do something like change a plan or not follow the parenting plan. Why is that so important?

Bridget Bennett (12:18)
You're giving them energy, you're giving them supply, and they are craving conflict, chaos, any attention that you give them. Ultimately that's what they're seeking. That's the intention of them trying to switch things up. Let's say, my high conflict co-parent says, "I'm not available to have the kids this weekend." I had plans with my girlfriends, I had brunch, whatever. I would then respond with,

Thank you for sharing. I am happy and available to keep the kids. Am I happy that I have to change my plans? Probably not, but I'm not gonna let them know it. And what have I done? I have now screwed over their plan of trying to get an emotional reaction out of me and I've taken back my power. I'm like, you know what? I can have brunch with the girlfriends and with the kids. It's not a big deal. I think it puts us into a mindset of becoming problem solvers and more solution oriented,

versus focusing on, god, they're doing this again, they're doing that again. No, no, no, no, no, no. We gotta work through: Okay, this is a problem, but actually this is helping me build my case for family court.

Sol (13:19)
What about in terms of setting boundaries with your co-parent? Because in that situation, in a way, you're allowing them to do what they do. But it's also important to have boundaries, right?

Bridget Bennett (13:30)
The

number one boundary is a court order, parenting plan, whatever you have in place. I believe that showing sometimes some flexibility is okay. Let's say it's grandma's birthday on a weekend, it's not dad's time, and you want the kid to participate, right? If you have plans, then they're not available. But I think giving some flexibility there is okay. In other occasions,

I don't like to do this all the time. I think it's just very seldom, very special occasions. Other occasions, I respond with something. It is my preference to follow our custody order. It is my preference. "You're not letting me see the kids. You're taking away my relationship with is my preference to follow our custody order." That's it. Over and over and over again. And it's hard to argue with preference, right? When we use that word in our communication,

we're not using dominating or controlling language. We're just saying what our perspective is, what we personally would like to do.

Sol (14:26)
Can you share an example of how shifting that communication style has changed a dynamic perhaps in your own life or a client?

Bridget Bennett (14:35)
I'll use clients as an example. When they first come to me, oftentimes they're sending long paragraph messages back to their co-parent. And the longer you make the messages, the easier it is for them to twist the narrative, spin your words, gaslight you. And then you find yourself in this toxic cycle of, I've got to defend this. These are false allegations. So the shorter we make our messages, the better.

Over time, the more that you implement BIFF, you will see that the conflict starts to deescalate. In fact, in 95 % of all of my clients that I work with, when we start to use this new communication method and we start our messages out with a salutation of, "Hi John", okay, and we end the message with "Thanks, Bridget", you will see that your high conflict co-parent starts to mirror your communication style every single time.

And that's like a key sign of knowing this person's also high conflict because what do we know about them? They mirror behaviors. It's pretty easy to pick up on over time. I'm not saying that the abuse or the covert abuse

automatically goes away. We will start to see it decrease. They'll still have their moments. We'll be able to figure out when they're spiraling, but it will help bring down your anxiety levels of every time that ping comes on your phone. God, here we go again. going to just figure out a better way to communicate.

Sol (15:53)
It's almost as if it gets heated for a while and then it dies down, and whatever topic was so important that one week just fades away into nothingness.

Bridget Bennett (16:01)
That is very much a true statement.

I like to ask questions to a high conflict co-parent if they are trying to spin a false narrative or let's say they made a unilateral decision, asking them questions. First of all, they hate being questioned. They feel like they're authoritative and you should not question them, how dare you? But it usually shuts them up

pretty quickly. They will stop after you ask questions. "Hi, can you please help me understand what you mean by... can you please share with me when we discussed..." And they will: "I don't have to explain this to you. You need to go back and look at it." But then you're done. The communication ends right there. You gave them rope.

They've hung themselves and they will do it over and over and over again. That's why I think it's entertaining. They're very predictable.

I talk with a lot of moms and even dads and they're like, "I just can't believe that they're still going and going and going. They don't let this topic die." I'm like, "yeah, we're just not going to keep engaging." Obviously you got to take a moment and step back and process it, regulate those emotions. And then it's like, yeah.

They really are lost. They really are. They're disordered. They're delusional.

Sol (17:09)
Once you see the pattern it doesn't seem so scary.

Bridget Bennett (17:11)
Absolutely. That's when documentation I think comes in handy. The more you document, you can start to see like women track their menstrual cycle. I hate to give this comparison, but it's very true. You can track the behavior of a high conflict person over a month span, right? Right before birthdays, they're going to act up. Right before holidays, their behavior gets worse. And it's right before the first day of school, all of a sudden they want to be the perfect star parent of the year.

Right? It's very predictable to cycle.

Sol (17:40)
Wow.

Bridget Bennett (17:40)
I've been doing this a long time.

Sol (17:42)
the BestInterest app, one of the things that we do we give you coaching on the best way to communicate so that conflict is reduced. And I think that it's so important to have a coach, have an app that can help you learn those techniques to reduce conflict in these interactions.

Bridget Bennett (18:01)
And I love your app. I actually downloaded it. I no longer have to co-parent with a high conflict person. But I uploaded a parenting plan and I said, this is my custody order because your app asked for that, which is like great because it takes in the information. And I gave it a made up scenario and it coached me. It told me what to do. And I was like, okay, now I like you. Right. So it's a tool that I've given to clients of mine even I said,

Sol (18:20)
Cool.

Bridget Bennett (18:30)
This is a great resource. And as any good coach, our job is to teach our clients how to ride a bicycle without the training wheels. If we don't do that, we're not an effective coach. My job is to teach them new strategies, new methods, give them tools and resources that they can continue to implement. And if they feel stuck, they can come back to me. They can go to the tools, they can go to the resources, but it's to help get them to the next stage.

Sol (18:55)
And yeah, and it's to help like the daily interaction to take some of that minutia out of the job description of the attorneys and the coaches. It's allowing the co-parents to interact with one another. And then when they really need the high value help, they can turn to a

Bridget Bennett (19:14)
And a lot of people, think coaching is, more of like newish type of, fields where there's a lot of individuals and we exist and there's many of us to help those that are battling in family court with a high conflict individual. And it's to help also alleviate some of the pressure that

these family law attorneys might be feeling they're not there to be your therapist. And people will lean on them over and over and over again. Find a coach. Talk to your therapist. Find an effective coach that can help you because it's gonna save you thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Sol (19:50)
I want to underline that: if you're a co-parent especially early on you should start interacting with a coach first and then get the attorney when they say this is the right time to get an attorney. Otherwise you can get stuck in a cycle of getting into conflict and it's not necessarily the best path forward.

Bridget Bennett (20:09)
No, it's not. Family law attorneys are litigators. They got into this because they wanted to be in court and it is a moneymaker for them to litigate. Sometimes you don't need to immediately jump and file that contempt motion for one violation or two violations of the order. Let's keep track of these violations for a longer period of time. Tracking it for an extended period of time and then

looking at filing for contempt or motion to show cause, and filing for a modification.

Sol (20:38)
Now for a parent listening right now and they feel like the system is maybe stacked against them or insurmountable in some way, what's a good first step for them to feel more empowered about the situation?

Bridget Bennett (20:50)
Wow, you asked an amazing question. First of all, knowing that they're not alone, and knowing that so many others feel the exact same way. I think when we are in this journey, we feel that this is only happening to us. This is very unique to us. And there's a huge community of hundreds of thousands of individuals that experience the same thing. That is the first step.

Finding a support system, that can be friends, therapist, a out your next steps, going to a family law attorney, maybe paying for a consultation. Doing research, reading, knowledge is power when you are dealing with someone that's high conflict. Understanding what is high conflict? What does this mean? We don't need to diagnose them. It doesn't matter what they are at the end of the day.

But recognizing their behavior and how that behavior makes us feel and then figuring out, I'm going to set this boundary. And boundary setting, it can be hard at first when we're getting started, but the more you do it and the more consistent you are, the easier it becomes. And then it just is like second nature to us all.

Sol (21:53)
Over the years of supporting co-parents through this journey, is there a particular success story that sticks with you that gives you hope?

Bridget Bennett (22:01)
I've had several moms who have been successful in getting restraining orders against their high conflict ex, who was very abusive. And as a result, they have maintained primary, if not sole custody of their children. I can't say that there's a particular strategy. Every case is, they're similar, but there's a lot of differences and

it's learning how we can all do the work on ourselves and focus on ourselves. And that's what these clients did. They focused on their healing. They focused on their journey, stopped focusing so much on the other person and they were able to just document with ease and then present a case.

And it's saving the child from exposure to additional abuse.

It's something that I wish all children could feel and be free of abuse and have

compassion and stability and loving homes. I wish that for all children.

Sol (22:54)
I echo that prayer. Bridget, before we get into our action round, for those that are listening now that would like to reach out to you, what is the best way to reach you?

Bridget Bennett (23:02)
My social media, you can find me through my socials. It's Coach_BridgetB. I'm on all social media like that. Or going to my website, BreakingBadassCoaching.com and you can look at my guides that I have, my templates that I offer, or book a consultation with me.

Sol (23:21)
Great, and we'll put all those links in our show notes. And you're offering a discount for our listeners as well.

Bridget Bennett (23:26)
am offering $25 off a full 1 hour session with me. It's an opportunity I review, I can review documents with you at that time, we can talk about strategy, and just process where you are and figure out what your next step should be.

Sol (23:41)
Great, thank you, Bridget. So now I'd like to do an action round where parents can find ways to the ideas that we presented in this episode. I'll say one sentence at a time, and you just fill in the blank, okay? So are you ready? Okay.

Bridget Bennett (23:55)
Okay, I'm ready.

Sol (23:58)
The one piece of advice I wish every parent knew before walking into family court is...

Bridget Bennett (24:03)
Don't expect justice from the justice system.

Sol (24:05)
It's a stinger. hard. That's a hard lesson to learn.

Bridget Bennett (24:06)
Yeah.

It's radical acceptance right there.

Sol (24:11)
The one thing that instantly tells a judge a parent is being unreasonable is...

Bridget Bennett (24:16)
their lack of efforts to co-parent.

Sol (24:19)
What does that look like?

Bridget Bennett (24:19)
Zero flexibility. Blaming.

Not problem solving.

It can be ongoing filings, sometimes in a family constant attacks on the co-parent.

Sol (24:30)
The fastest way to lose credibility in front of a judge is to...

Bridget Bennett (24:34)
not be organized.

To be all over the place, to not have organized exhibits,

not know what your game plan is, not have a clear path in your storytelling. You want it to be very concise and speak in a chronology. This is where I started. This is where we are now.

Sol (24:49)
Mm-hmm.

The most overlooked way to break a toxic cycle is...

Bridget Bennett (24:55)
Learning when to not respond.

Sol (24:58)
The difference between fighting with your ex and fighting for your child is

Bridget Bennett (25:03)
Being child focused and not worrying about what the other parent is doing. Not communicating that of what they're doing in their spare time, what they're doing on the weekends. If you are staying focused on maybe how their behavior is impacting the child, that's a different thing, but we're not bringing it up to the co-parent. This is something we're documenting privately.

Sol (25:26)
That refers back to what you were saying in the interview earlier about don't mind the dating of the other parent.

Bridget Bennett (25:34)
Exactly.

Sol (25:35)
The one action that instantly strengthens your child's sense of security is...

Bridget Bennett (25:41)
listening to them when they come home. After an exchange, I call it the pressure cooker period, their emotions are all over the place and their behavior is off the wall for maybe 24 to 48 hours. But just providing them space and being like, "it's okay if you want to go to your room and color or let's do something together."

Not bombarding them with questions. "Hey, I hope you had fun with dad. I hope you had fun with mom," right? Letting them come to you and you actually listening to what they're saying, helps our children in more ways than people recognize. And then reminding them, I'm going to fix the adult problems. That's my job. You just be a kiddo.

Sol (26:20)
If I could give protective parents just one reminder in their darkest moments, it would be...

Bridget Bennett (26:26)
to not give up, to not quit. They're doing all of the right things.

To just keep going.

Sol (26:31)
Beautiful. Thank you, Bridget. I've really appreciated having you on today.

Bridget Bennett (26:34)
Thank you so much. I appreciate your time. Thank

Sol (26:38)
Thanks for joining us on the Coparenting Beyond Conflict podcast. To support our show, subscribe or leave a rating. Links for all books and resources mentioned on appear in our show notes or on CoparentingBeyondConflict.com. See you next time.

Sol (26:56)
The commentary and opinions available on this podcast are for informational and entertainment purposes only, and not for the purpose of providing legal or psychological advice. You should contact a licensed attorney, coach, or therapist in your state to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem.